Fed Seeks Mugabe's Advice

The federal reserve has been in contact with Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe to request assistance in devaluing the US dollar. With national debt levels soaring, the fed aims to inflate it's way out of debt, leaving China, Saudi Arabia, and US citizens with piles of greenish paper with pictures of dead guys. Mugabe's success in beating money into submission is well documented. The Zimbabwean dollar, known throughout Zimbabwe as 'fucking shit', is currently experiencing inflation rates of 13 quadrillion percent (13000000000000000%).
On Mugabe's advice, the fed reduced it's target interest rate to 0%, and purchased a quadrillion more printing presses.

Guide to Seoul Street Biking

Some of these surely apply to urban biking in general, but here it is - my guide to Seoul street biking:

1) Don't trust anybody, especially taxis and buses. Don't trust vehicles to stop at red lights, go the correct way on one way streets, not cut you off, or anything else. This is the golden rule.

2) Pedestrians are idiots. If you ring your bell, most people will turn around and dumbly stare at you instead of getting out of the way. Still, use the bell often, and well in advance to give people time to get over their stupefaction. I now ring my bell almost constantly out of habit. Makes for nice ad-hoc music too.

3) Run red lights and break all traffic laws if it means getting away from the bulk of traffic. Don't be dumb about it, but it is actually safer to stay away from other vehicles, so do this as much as possible.

4) Watch out for doors. This is crucial. Look inside cars to see if there are passengers about to hop out, and always try to leave space between yourself and stopped (or slow moving!) cars. I've never been doored but I've almost been doored, and that is not an adventure I'd like to have.

5) It's often safer in the road than on the sidewalk. Cars plow into sidewalks from side streets. Trucks park in sidewalks, often completely blocking them. Motorbikes speed on sidewalks. Sometimes the sidewalks suddenly become dead ends for bikes because there are only pedestrian overpasses at intersections and no crosswalks. Use your best judgment.

Seoul can be a great city for biking for those with balls of steel! Stay safe!

Mugabe Tapped in McCain Campaign

Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe has been hired by the McCain campaign to assist in bringing American hearts and minds to the Republican candidate. The African leader "has been remarkably successful at winning elections in the face of public opposition" said a McCain staffer who declined to be named. Fox News analyst Karl Rove praised the move saying "If I was running, he would be the first one on my campaign team". Although Mugabe has been criticized in the past for his unorthodox campaigning techniques, "he knows how to get the job done" said Rove.
Mugabe staffer hard at work

Central Bankers Meet, Agree on Bat Signal Use

In an unprecedented move, central bankers from nations around the world unveiled a plan Thursday morning to return the bat signal to service in an effort to arrest the deepening financial crisis. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson made the following statement:

The time has come for a coordinated response to this crisis. A piecemeal approach has not, and will not work - therefore my colleagues and I have decided to send in the big guns. The Dark Knight has proven himself capable numerous times against foes such as the Penguin, the Catwoman, and most recently against the Joker. I have full confidence in his ability to restore stability to our markets and the general economy.

Traders responded positively in the hours following the announcement, but doubts about the plan surfaced in late trading, erasing earlier gains. One investment banker from Goldman Sachs questioned the move.

Isn't that guy just from a movie? It's so hard to remember what's real and what's made up these days. I mean, that Beautiful Mind guy is real, right? But what about the Nicholas Cage character in The Rock? The point is, even if Batman responds, what can he do to ease the current crisis? Sometimes it seems like central bankers have no control and just make these kinds of statement to calm the markets.

The announcement came after coordinated cuts in interest rates around the world, which yesterday were announced within seconds of each other, failed to invigorate markets.
The bat signal is thought to be kept in storage in Brazil. Paulson admitted that it could take some time to find the spotlight and restore it to operation. "Those cornholes over at Warner Brothers better not have burned out the light," he added "those things are nearly impossible to find."

Korean Won Plunges, Language Teacher Storms Out of Classroom

The Korean won continued it's precipitous plunge today, leaving the beleaguered currency at around 1400 to the dollar, a 35% drop since January. Jared Schmidt, a Canadian kindergarten teacher at a Seoul language school threatened to 'pull a runner' unless the situation turned around soon.
"Dude, this is bullshit. If you think I'm gonna chase a bunch of little rugrats around this place for kimchee and a few bucks, you're out of your mind."
Local traders were pessimistic about the won's outlook, stating that "the won has certainly not won the current round, nor will it be likely to have won anytime in the near future."
Jared was checking the currency rate on his mobile phone during a phonics lesson when he noticed the new 10 year lows.

I just had the phone out to use the dictionary to look up "diarrhea" in Korean, because one of the kids was insisting on using the bathroom and kept saying this word that I thought might be that, when I noticed the rate. I was so pissed that I just walked out. I'm seriously gonna dump this job unless this gets better soon. I mean, I could go to Taiwan or something. I hear they're always looking for kindy teachers, and I really like the bubble tea they have over there.

In related news, a sharp drop in Cambodian and Vietnamese bride buying by single Korean men has been reported, as the women of those countries are increasingly unwilling to go to a country with a weaker currency than their own.

Presidential Politics

I get most of my news from the internet these days which has the virtue of being unmitigated by large corporations with a mind-controlling agenda. Just in case anyone who reads this blog didn't see this exemplary answer to a question from Katie Couric about the government bailout from hockey mom Sarah Palin, here it is:

Wha wha whaaaaaaat?!?!? Folks, this is scary. I don't know whether to go into a laughing fit, or cry. Just for fun, let's compare that with Ms. South Carolina:

Seth's Travelogue, Back By Popular Demand

Last I checked commuting does not qualify as traveling, but when doing so by bicycle on Korean roads it at least qualifies as adventurous. Seriously, Koreans can't drive. Does that sentence make me racist? Ah, F*ck it. As pointed out by my dear readers, it's been ages since the last post. Where to begin? Well basically I've been working in the Korean public school system and getting a crash course in teaching youngsters the esteemed international language known as English. As the only foreigner there, as well as the only foreigner ever to have been there in the school's 100+ year history, I get plenty of attention. Most of the attention I never find out about. It takes the form of hushed rumors spread around the halls like Californian wildfire. It's actually a little bit like being a presidential candidate, with a heavy dose of mistranslation mixed in.
Which brings me to today's Link of the Day for Other People Getting Paid to Surf the Internet
Dokdo is ours
is a satirical website about Korea which might not be funny to people unfamiliar with Korean culture, but absolutely hysterical if you have lived here. Please check it out and if I'm wrong about that assumption, let me know. I'm curious. For those who don't know, Dokdo is the Korean name for a couple disputed islets (read=worthless rocks) in the sea of Japan, I'm sorry, East Sea. Here's a picture of that sea, taken last weekend.

And that's that. What's up with you?

Show and Tell

garfield minus garfield

Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.

Shake Girl, The Graphic Novel

Shake Girl represents a massive collaborative effort from 17 people dedicated to completing a graphic novel in just a few weeks. It was finished in early 2008 and is now available online for free.

The creation of Shake Girl was based on a series of true events that have happened to real women.

FreeRice

FreeRice has two goals:

1. Provide English vocabulary to everyone for free.
2. Help end world hunger by providing rice to hungry people for free.

Jeonju International Film Festival 2008

Seats are in short supply at this festival for those who can't plan ahead (me). I was able to catch the all-night horror movie extravaganza on Saturday night. Cleaner and far more sober than the annual All Freakin' Night at the Olympia Film Festival, the tickets to this included snack breaks of bananas and milk between movies, and no one got hit in the head by empty beer bottles thrown from the balcony.

Next stop was the Jjimjilbang (public bath), open 24 hours. With 3 floors, the upper is the men's bath, the lower the women's, and the middle a free-for-all sleeping area. A few hours of slumber put some gas in my tank.

Mountains of Seoul

Springtime in Seoul means mountain climbing season. Locals flood to the bases of Seoul's many 'mini' mountains for day hikes. Last Saturday, I was invited to ascend Gwanaksan near Seoul National University in the southern reaches of the city.
When a city of 10 million people heads for the hills, you can imagine the congestion.
Getting away from it all

Towards the top, the beauty of spring:

And views of Seoul:

Seth's Travelogue throws it's support behind Obama

Let the silence be broken. This blog officially supports Barack Obama in the upcoming U.S. presidential election. The kind of intelligence and sincerity in his speech on race is impossible to fake. After eight years of systematic degradation to our country's well-being and reputation, we need a leader who can speak intelligently, act responsibly, think analytically and make wise decisions.

It's Just Paper

I'm back in the States for a quick stopover - just in time, it seems, to watch the country's economy plummet into complete chaos. Fortunately, Mr. GW Bush was on the scene today to reassure the public that "In the long run, our economy is going to be fine". Fox News reports that Mr. Bush also said he was "on top of the situation". Let's have a quick look at today's announcements:

Whew! I was worried for a second that the federal reserve had lost control of the financial system and was furiously printing dollars in order to bail out banks, thereby further diluting the value of the already pathetic dollar... oh wait, that's exactly what's happened, and from all signs will continue to happen. In effect, you, me, and everyone else who holds dollars is subsidizing the stupidity and greed of the financial institutions that allowed this to happen.

The principles are fairly easy to understand. The more money you print, the more there is in circulation, the more money in circulation, the less each dollar is actually worth. That's inflation. There are examples throughout history, like the Weimar Republic in 1930's Germany, the 1970s in this country, the list goes on. The federal reserve is panicking, throwing money around, and wreaking havoc on the poor little dollar. This will certainly not turn around tomorrow, nor probably this year or next.

Considering I have no money I'm not in the most authoritative position to be giving financial advice to those who do, but well this is my blog so I'm gonna do it any damn way (and there are plenty of financial experts behind me. Get rid of your dollars. Buy Gold. Do it now. Yeah, I hear you say, but gold is freakin' expensive right now. What if I shell out a thousand bucks for a gold coin, and tomorrow the dollar recovers and gold drops back down to reality? Well friend, you can be damn sure that's not gonna happen, what with the fed's printing presses coughing up greenbacks like, quite literally, there's no tomorrow.

But wait, what about that economic stimulus package that was signed into law? Won't that give the tired ol' economy a shot in the arm? I heard the IRS was going to send out checks for $600 in May! Aside from the obvious question of where the hell is this $140 billion coming from, considering the current account deficit, May is an awfully long time from now. That was clearly an election year political maneuver aimed at elating the very short-sighted, like a $2000 hand-job charged to a credit card.http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Let's face it: economies have ups and and downs. They are cyclical. You can't have a booming, growing economy now and forever after. That's just not the way economies, or anything, really, works. The U.S. has been consuming far more than it produces, and far more than it's share of the world's resources for some time, and it looks as though that time is coming to an end. Accept it. Let a few weak and stupid banks fall. Today it's Bear Stearns, tomorrow there will be another. What kind of message does it send to private banks if they can be assured that the government will throw away everything to save them when their risky investments lead to disaster?

Swallow the medicine: have a recession. Let unemployment rise. Let consumer spending fall. There is no way to avoid it, but there is a hell of a lot of harm to be done by staying in denial about it. Hey, maybe when gas costs $6 a gallon like in most of the rest of the world Americans will have second thoughts about buying that bad-boy SUV and opt for a Prius.... or a bike?

Bangkok in Photos: Khlong Saen Saeb

Khlong Saen Saeb: The last remnants of the canal transportation system in a city once dubbed "The Venice of the East". Most canals have been filled in and converted to roads, but this one has survived. A putrid odor emanates from the dead, oxygen deprived water, particularly in the hot season when the water levels are low, but if you can put up with the smell and the possibility of splash, this is one of the fastest, cheapest ways to penetrate the heart of Bangkok.

50 years ago, life along the canals must have been lovely with frogs, flowers and birds in abundance. Not much lives in that water now aside from bacteria, but I have heard of a certain breed of walking amphibious fish that populates the canal and the lands nearby.
Money is collected by boat staff who trot dexterously around the outer ledge of the boat.
Here, a boat pulls into the central pier at Pratunam.

Khao Sarn Road

Khao Sarn Road (KSR), for those who haven't had the pleasure, is the ultimate backpacker's ghetto in Bangkok. By day it does brisk business in Thai tourist trinkets, bags, shirts, books, fake university degrees and such - but KSR exists for the night. The real excitement takes place under gaudy neon. Katoey (lady-boy) look for unknowing Johns straight off the plane, who haven't yet learned that Thai women never have deep voices and big hands. Pickpockets have a heyday with the drunkards. Taxi drivers loiter about searching for someone to "take for a ride". It's a concentration of the worst of Bangkok, but it's a brilliant spot for people watching.

KSR is not Bangkok at all, but a kind of vortex that pulls tourists in, and doesn't allow them to leave. Inconveniently located away from the city center, it takes great motivation and strength of mind for the average visitor to leave the road and see other parts of Bangkok, which is a great shame. I would assert that if all you've seen of it is KSR, you haven't actually been to Bangkok. It's like transiting in Istanbul and saying you've been to Turkey. You've just been in the waiting lounge.

The Many Faces of Kuala Lumpur

Walk down the street in Kuala Lumpur and the variety of Asian ethnicity really blows me away. Smiling, headscarf donning young Muslim women mix with Indian women in saris, Chinese in business suits, and so on. Refreshingly, caucasion faces are rather few. This is, after all, Asia. I've not been in a country before with such a variety of Asian ethnicities living together, and as a first time visitor it looks like a great model of different races with different beliefs living together in peace. After talking to friends I've come to realize the situation is not as perfect as it seems.

The primary racial groups are the ethnic Malays, and then the Chinese and Indian minorities. Malays are granted a certain amount of preferential treatment in university admission and government job placements, among other things, but the other side of the coin is that they have additional prohibitions placed on them by law, like being unable to eat pork, which the other ethnic groups are not subject to.

Things move along with relative peace, but there are deeper underlying problems with the current arrangement, which reached a bloody climax in 1969 when the ruling coalition was momentarily deprived of power in place a of a pro-chinese party, resulting in street violence with the Chinese being targeted specifically and suffering the worst as people were killed and business burned.

It's a complex subject that I have an admittedly basic Understanding of, and it's tempting to say that, well, today's Malaysia is among the most prosperous nation in South-East Asia, so why rock the political boat? But that is exactly the justification the goverment puts forth to stay in power. If you take us out of power, they say, you'll be inviting a repeat of the bloody events of '69. Malaysia is under pretty heavy surveilence by a sort of secret police, and the media doesn't enjoy nearly the freedom I'm seen in places like Thailand, the Philippines, or even Cambodia.

And on I go about a subject that I know little about. Any Malaysians care to comment?

All that said, I had a brilliant time in the country and met lots of interesting people, thanks to my gracious hosts, Sze and Spes. Thanks guys!

The Subterranean River at Sabang

Like entering the mouth of some mythical beast, the boat journey into this, the longest known navigable underground river on earth, is an awe inspiring moment. The darkness sucks the 8 man paddle boat into it's womb and the only thing seperating you from the pitch black is a light and car battery.

As you journey further into the depths the guide points out rock formations in the caves. There's it is, a mushroom. And over to your left, the virgin Mary. Look closely fellas, a naked female form is just around the next corner. Do you see the banana flower?

Actually the rock growths and formations could be anything your mind wants, like an inkblot test that envelops you, and the guides' constant suggestions become an annoyance seperating your from what could be a truly meditative experience.

All in all the trip was unforgettable. It's a shame that along with easier accessibility (the road was built in the early 90's - before that you had to take a boat some three hours up the coastline, through devil's point, a dangerous whirlpool) comes hordes of tourists and the corresponding price hikes, crowds, and waits. I must have seen too many Indiana Jones movies.

Sea Woes, Bad Meat, and Russian Cinema

First off, let me apologize for the lack of photos in my recent posts. There's a lot of pitfalls on the road to getting photos online when traveling. I won't bore you with the details. I'll be going back and adding them to the posts at a later date.

I awoke to the sounds of chickens. It must be morning, I thought. But no, outside it was still dark. Where was I? The swaying motion brought it rushing back. I'm on a boat. Why are there chickens on the boat? I hadn't noticed them the night before. Maybe they're coming from some distance, somewhere outside, a nearby island. No, they're too loud. My head was groggy. Shouldn't have had that beer. I had to pee. I'm too lazy to pee. I struggled to get back to sleep, ignoring the pleas of my bladder. Why do they leave the bright florescent lighting on all night? I expertly positioned a sheet over my eyes.

Suddenly, we were docking. Must be the Cuyo islands. We're gonna be here for 7 hours, until 3 P.M. What are we supposed to do all day? The ticket vendor had said they had to unload a lot of goods. But 7 hours? At least this will get us to Puerto Princessa in the morning rather than at night.

Maybe the Cuyo islands are nice. I can do some sightseeing. Check out the town. Eat real food. My bowels ached. I'd had nothing but MSG-laden snacks all the day before, not out of choice but because I hadn't had any time. I'd planned to have plenty of time. Where did I go wrong? I barely made the boat. It was the traffic in Ilo Ilo city on the way to the port. There was a festival starting. It had thrown my calculations off.

So here we are in the middle of the Sulu sea, on a rural little island. All I want is some nice food. There has to be something good to eat here. It's sometimes hard to find good food in the Philippines. They're big on the buffet-which-has-been-sitting-out-all-day style of restaurant, and big into meat too. It scares me. My mission this afternoon will be to find a good, wholesome meal. I will reward my stomach for 25 years of good service, overlooking the 6 weeks in India last year. I'm a generous employer. I want to eat fresh vegetables, sanitary protein sources, and rice without rocks in it - is that too much to ask? The boat has food, but it's buffet style and scary. I am a Russian soldier from Battleship Potemkin. Take back your rotting, maggot ridden meat! This is a mutiny! Throw the captain overboard! Storm the palaces! We won't take it anymore!

Screw the Jet, Get Your Feet Wet!

One of the highlights of traveling around the archipelago that is the Philippines is that it affords me the opportunity to ride on many a boat, one of my favorite forms of transport. The country abounds with reasonably priced airlines to whisk people from place to place, but I prefer the simplicity and old-time romanticism of boat travel. There's nothing quite like gazing out onto the open sea, witnessing strings of uninhabited craggy coastlines, and breathing in the salty air.

I'm now in Boracay, a tourist trap of a beach that I ended up at because of a reckless spur of the moment decision. I've had enough now, and this morning embark on a solid 2 day combined boat/bus trip to the finger shaped, far eastern island of Palawan, home to the world's longest subterrainian river, idyllic scenery and stunning landscapes, and top notch wreck diving (the aftermath of an American WWII bombardment of Japanese ships), or so I read in the tourist brochure.

The boat really has it all. You get a bed, a top notch restaurant serving a wide variety of cuisine (they have 3 flavors of cup of noodle!), and best of all, the chance to mix, mingle, and trade stories with the locals.

Sinulog in Cebu

Weather patterns in the Philippines are changing. Normally this time of year is dry and clear in this part of the country but lately the rainy season has not obeyed orders. Many people are blaming global climate change for the shift. Whatever the reason, it's certainly not going to stop Filipinos from enjoying Sinulog, or "The Queen of Festivals", as one Cebu local dubbed it.

Sinulog is a dance, a rhythm, costumes and celebration wrapped in a religious celebration of the Santo Ninyo, the Philippines' version of the baby Jesus. Loads of people cradle little, and sometimes large, statuettes of the child saint through the rough-edged downtown district of the city in a huge procession towards the large Cathedral in town. Sprinkles rained down throughout the afternoon resulting in many an umbrella poke to the face.

At night Sinulog turns into a raucous street party with reggae and rock cover bands dominating crooning tired tunes into the festive night air. The quality of the music is made up for by the cheapness of the beer. San Miguel is the national beer of the Philippines and comes in light, pilsen, super dry, and red horse forms. Pilsen is the original and still the best. So good in fact, that I've de-throned Tiger and Lao as the leaders of the Asian beer scene.

All in all, Sinulog did not disappoint. It will take a lot more than the gradual destruction of the plant's ecosystem to keep Filipinos from having a good time.

First Impressions of The Philippines

Keep in mind I've been here a day, with a good chunk of that asleep:

Manila airport is by far the worst airport I've ever been to.

Filipinos speak fluent, polite, American accented English. When checking into my room, the hotel staff said: Would you mind if I asked you to pay for the first night?, while in Thailand it's always something like: You pay now.

Filipinos and Filipinas are very friendly! They talk a lot with their eyebrows.

The city, Cebu, is not especially nice. Think long polluted roads with no sidewalks and little charm. I'm actually hanging out in a shopping mall now. I like this shopping mall. Everything I need right now is here.

Food and transport and very cheap!

Most other foreigners here are old white dudes.

It's totally bizarre but I love it!

Go Chang!

Chang, or elephant, is more than just a low-cost, high-alcohol (6.5%) Thai beer, which my former Thai language teacher said he drank over other beers because he's "kikiat chee" or "lazy to piss". Chang is also a magnificent "Koh", or island, in the east of Thailand near the Cambodian border. Overlooked by tourists heading south to "the beaches", many people must have been confused and not realized that "The Beach" is just a book and movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio, and there are no paradise pot crops and utopian communities living on Koh Pi Pi, just a lot of drunken Europeans.

Koh Chang is no secret, but it's a beautiful and, so far, tastefully developed island. Here you feel you're living with Thai people, and not that you've driven them out and replaced them with banana pancakes. Getting here from Bangkok costs a fraction of that to get to the southern islands, and once you're here the food and booze are half the price, too. Have you grasped my advice yet? Skip the full moon party on Koh Pha Ngan, unless of course you like dancing on broken glass, and Go Chang!In other news, I ship out for Cebu in the Philippines late Wednesday night and arrive Thursday morning to witness the weekend Sinulog festival. Apparently, Filipino festivals are quite mad. During Easter, devotees in the predominately Catholic country actually volunteer to be nailed onto crosses, like, for real. For the rest of us, choking down marshmallow peeps is suffering enough.

Under the Sea

I spent the end of '07 on a raucous beach on the island of Koh Pha Ngan in Thailand, and after growing tired of that washed up island went to the decidedly more pleasant Koh Tao to the north to soak in sun and salt water. The main attraction of the island is scuba diving, and always being one to run with the crowds, I jumped on the bandwagon. The first couple days were spent watching corn-hole PADI videos and doing quizzes designed for the thickest of the thick. My classmates were a Canadian couple who both would have gone down in flames on the final exam if they hadn't cheated on me - takes me back to junior high and letting the stoner kids cheat off me in science class. Equally easy test, and equally daft classmates. Anyway...

The depths of the sea are remarkable, and I got see and swim amongst dozens of species of bright, beautiful, florescent fishies, a massive school barracuda swimming in a spiral, some fish related to "Nemo", stingrays, and lots of other scuba divers doing their PADI open water diving courses. Apparently, Koh Tao is the #2 place in the world for issuing PADI open water certification (the certification which permits dives of up to 18 meters, although we were down to 22 meters at some points, shhhhh.)

Unfortunately the visibility was a bit crap because of a storm that had blown through and shaken up the ocean floor a few days earlier. Still, it was a remarkable experience and I look forward to doing more of it.